allanis | Prompts for TFLN

1. just had to break up a bar brawl. i used to be the one starting them. what the fuck.

2. ok in your experience, what's the longest you can go without eating & sleeping before it gets REALLY bad ?

3. need to lay low for a bit so i let myself in. btw you really need to restock your fridge.

4. heads up, if you hear any explosions...no, you didn't.

5. [WILDCARD]

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/
tfln

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

Booty calls should never involve the cops.

Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life

Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.

the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...

Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.

He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.

I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.

The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.

I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA

Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.

i cant remember how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to the whole day...

im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death

need some advice on a team name

the guy i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.

Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?